Children, at what price?
See this excellent column by Nancy Gibbs at Time magazine about the moral cost of reproductive technologies.
What is marriage for anyway?
Here is an article on marriage from the Atlantic that I think is rather frank regarding something I have noticed. Many bright, articulate women wanting marriage find themselves waiting year after year for the “right” guy, and not realizing how they might be contributing to their own situation. The ideal of marriage has become so romanticized and worked up by Hollywood that we have forgotten what marriage is for. It seems that every woman wants to marry up (why is that?), and when you are pretty impressive yourself it’s rather disconcerting that maybe the ordinary guy in the next cubicle, or the quite nice guy at church might just be what this author calls “good enough.” I disagree that men who are “good enough” are really just that. Maybe the guy who seems to promise all the thrill of a Hollywood romance is really a candle in the wind put out by the first life storm that comes through. This is the point when women need to ask themselves, what is marriage for anyway? How about life long stable, some would call boring, companionship? Most of life is ordinary and mundane so what a good woman needs is a stable “good enough” man. Maybe she can learn to be a “good enough” woman and not make herself into a pretzel trying to please. That may lead to “good enough” parents who aren’t running around trying to raise the next Bill Gates. So now my next question is, why are these articles always about women?
Industrial reproduction
Another story in the New York Times about surrogate mothers. This time it’s poor Indian women earning their living by renting their wombs to affluent westerners. The industrialization of human reproduction dehumanizes everyone involved. Talk of rights, choice, and economic necessity are code words that the affluent use to exploit the weakest members of the human race, poor women and children. The view of women in many third world regions allows them to be thought of as little more than a communally owned natural resource. The dignity of all people remains in peril. Yes, it’s dismaying and depressing to think that we live in this kind of world.
More choices for fathers
How much is fatherhood changing? I think not as much as we like to think. Well, maybe I’m wrong. Take a look at Time Magazine’s article about fathers who are stay-at-home dads. I’m not skeptical because I believe that there is some lack in men (or that the corresponding moms are emotionally cold). Social, economic and religious pressure simply don’t allow much room for this sort of deviation from traditional ideas of masculinity. A man has to explain it to his parents, his former co-workers, his neighbors, and maybe even his minister. That’s huge social load to carry around making it not a viable option for most. But for those who are doing it well, my hats off to you.
Busting loose
Read this article in U.S. News about how mothers are rejecting both the full-time career and the soccer mom model. It’s about time that we recognize something that has been going on for all of women’s history. Very few women have had the opportunity, or the inclination, to be full-time homemakers. Most women prefer to nurture their families and be industrious. Except for the upper classes, historically most have worked on the farm, or in a cottage industry, and when they could get away with it they ventured right out into the market place with their wares. The key to success is based on flexible expectations on what makes a good mother, more egalitarian marriages and general community support. Maybe now we can stop reading articles about the mommy wars.
Beat the dog
Talk radio has been buzzing with discussions on the Michael Vick animal cruelty case. Many listeners are bemoaning the punishment of Vick as excessive. One was outraged that Vick had abused dogs, and it would be more understandable if he had slapped his wife. Really! Finally, somebody is saying what I have been thinking. An essay at women’s e-news points out that many professional athletes are notorious for beating up their wives, (remember O.J.) but we aren’t running them out of sport for that. I guess in the minds of most people a dog is innocent while a woman probably did something to deserve it.
In desperate need of a wife
My friend Susan just sent me this story in The New York Times about how little domestic relationships have changed. While women have negotiated a better position in the work place, the responsibilities at home remain virtually unchanged. Due partly to self-inflicted expectations and, partly to ingrained gender habits, women finds themselves overburden with domestic responsibilities, and longing for a good old-fashion wife. While women’s lives have changed in some major ways, men’s lives seem to be what they were in 1950. Underlying all this is a untenable work/home split and employers disregard for the family responsibilities of their workers, male or female.
You don’t bring me flowers any more
This article in this week’s Time magazine suggest that maybe speed-dating, on-line personals, and hook-ups are killing romance. Quick access kills interest. Hollywood is finding itself uninspired by the current mating scene and we are too jaded to believe in romance anymore. Timeless stories of love sound quaint and naive. The thrill may be gone because romance depends on mystery, intrigue and the expectation of a surprise. It’s hard for these to thrive in a full-disclosure, I-am-for-sale world.
Gift or anchor?
I remember seeing a Gallager skit in which the comedian was extolling the benefit of children as an excuse for not attending a dreaded party. Not having a baby sitter is a handy excuse. The catch in the joke was an anchor in diapers tied around the comedian’s foot. More and more people are getting the message that what was once considered a gift from God is really just a bunch of never ending obligations that merely ties one down. See this story at Broadstreet on Salon.com on how children are no longer seen as necessary to a happy marriage. What’s more interesting than the original post is the comments from the readers. The whole conversation is a startling snap shot on where we are today when it comes to valuing family life.
If you have children you can almost feel like an environmental polluter needing to buy carbon credits. Why would any educated, intelligent person, give up exotic vacations and an exciting career for children who are expensive, and won’t even do what you tell them? There is not even a money back guarantee that they will visit you in old age. On the other hand, are children just another status symbol displaying the parents wealth? Those seeking to live a faith filled life need to think long and hard about what exactly they are doing when bearing and raising children. This also entails not resorting to calling people “selfish” if they don’t have children. That’s a shallow and weak argument. Childlessness, or the more positive term “child-free”, is a relative new choice in human history and we aren’t sure how to respond. There is something much more complex going on whenever people are deciding to have children or not. In trying to ascertain the meaning and repercussions of such a choice, a whole complex of issues are raised about sexuality, gender relationships, work and community. We don’t hear much discussion as it relates to biblical faith because everybody naturally gets defensive. The childless feel judged and the parents feel unappreciated. Or maybe we don’t think that this has anything to do with one’s faith and it’s strictly a matter of personal disposition, or maybe just economics. It makes me wonder what it’s like to be a child today.
The un-wedding
The wedding season will soon be upon us. I enjoy weddings. I really do, but with no consensus on its meaning, I am questioning exactly what we are doing and why. The “personalization” that is so much the fashion makes every wedding I attend a puzzle as I wonder what this particular couple means by it. Yet, whether in a church, a park, or at an exotic destination, weddings are bigger than ever. You can enter this lucrative industry by getting a degree in wedding consulting. No kidding! Here is an excerpt from a book by Rebecca Mead, One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding. In a radio interview, Ms. Mead noted that what we have come to regard as the traditional wedding with all the trimmings is a relative new invention. For most of western history weddings have been small, informal, family affairs without the intervention of church or state. Most took place in homes, modestly, without all the fanfare we have come to expect. The Puritans didn’t even allow church weddings. A wedding was witnessing a simple vow demonstrating the consent of both parties followed by sexual consummation. Those were the basic ingredients.
Today, there is no fundamental consensus on weddings or marriage. Rather, in The New York Times’ Wedding and Celebrations section we have a lesbian couple exchanging vows and a very pregnant bride in white. Bridal magazines overflow with opportunities to buy the dream wedding as seen on The Bachelor. You can even have a Disney wedding and wear a princess gown. In Japan, which has no Christian history to speak of, the western church wedding is all the rage. This all goes to show that the form and significance of a wedding is highly adaptable and changeable to social trends. What does this mean for those who take the nuptial ritual seriously as marking the beginning of a God ordained institution? Does the lack of social consensus demand we consider marking the event in a simple unadorned way? The counter-cultural wedding may now be the un-wedding - a small home-based exchange of vows. It’s obvious that a grand and expensive to-your-taste wedding does not assure marital happiness. I think it might actual set us up for failure. Maybe we should try a more modest approach that would allow room for the actual marriage to blossom over time and develop it’s own cadence. That might lead to marking anniversaries in grander style as the marriage matures. With simpler weddings we couldn’t hide our current ambivalence about marriage under all that tulle and too much champagne. Simple unadorned vows could shed light on our intentions in a startling way and remind the culture about the meaning of marriage.